2020 — Vision for the Future

It’s been a long time since I wrote on this blog. A fair amount has been happening, and I want to update you all on everything.

First and probably most importantly, I’m going to be moving out of this trailer in the middle of nowhere in March. Our lease is up at the end of March and so I gots to go.

What I’m planning (currently, subject to change) is moving back down to Houston into an ALF, or an Assisted Living Facility. I can get the care I need there while getting back some independence. I have some areas in mind, and I have My insurance coordinator doing a search for Me.

My sister has been doing her best to try and keep up with My needs and My illness. I’ve been in the hospital pretty much every month since I moved up here to Huntsville, TX, and while I’m sure that the doctors at the local hospital mean well they aren’t really up-to-date as far as My disease and what’s going on. I have made the trip to a more modern hospital (a branch of My “regular” hospital down in Houston) on a few occasions and while the care there was much better than the care in the local hospital, I still kept getting sick. I don’t know why.

So I’m going someplace that I can get the care that I need and My sister is on board with that. She has health problems of her own and taking care of Me and her and her SO is really wearing her down. I love My sister very much but she can’t give Me what I need and so I’m going somewhere to try and stay alive a little bit longer.

She has gotten Me over all but the worst of My social anxiety, for which I’ll always be grateful. Unfortunately, that just increases My desire to get out of here and meet people and be all social and shit. Down in Houston there’ll be a more active LBGTQIA+ community I can get involved with and an active Friends of TST group I can start reaching out to and doing things with. I feel so isolated here; frankly I think My sister and the rest of the family are pretty crazy for isolating themselves like they have. I need to be around people, people I can talk with and who share similar interests and AREN’T THE SAME FUCKING PEOPLE I SEE EVERY OTHER DAMN DAY.

By the way, just so My loyal readers know, I’ve started a YouTube channel called “Ace of Satan” (referring to both My asexuality and Satanism). I think that I can start coming out of My “shell” more. It’s kind of been good practice being here in this small town, I’ve met some really great people here, gotten some random compliments from several people, and I think I’m ready to go somewhere and do this “for realsies.”

I’m asexual and although I still have some small hope of finding someone similar, I’m happy with “just” friends. I don’t think of them as “just” friends though, to Me they are My true family. I love My bio-sister, I love My bio-mother, I love My bio-brothers, but I don’t feel that I really “fit in” with them. My two nieces I do feel a closeness to, however, for whatever reason.

Anyhow, My friends are definitely important to Me, more important than any supposed “partner” or “SO” could ever be (unless they were also friends). I ran into one ace woman who pretty much went ballistic when I said something along those lines; she insisted that partners and friends were entirely different and everybody needed or wanted a partner and absolutely refused to even consider that I would dare disagree with her. Conversations like that go nowhere so I stopped responding.

I just don’t buy into this society’s insistence on “soul mates” or the idea that you “have to have” a partner in your life for it to be complete. I’m hyper-sensual, I admit, and I’m comfortable with physical contact with My friends — hugging, holding hands, cuddling, even kissing or making out when appropriate and without violating any boundaries. And yes, I’m pan, so that would include any and all genders.

Once when I was younger, before the fatal accident of ’89, I took part in what I still remember fondly as one of the best experiences of My life. I had a group of college-age friends and We all got together in a huge field under the starry spring sky. It was a warm night, so a few took off their clothes and then started removing other peoples’ clothes (though not if that person declined). So I was out there with a bunch of naked people on a starry night and We just had a huge cuddle party and Our resident witch called out to Cernunnos and the night got magical. Some of them had sex, I wasn’t interested in that, just being out there with My friends was enough joy for the time. I have a huge smile on My face just remembering that.

THAT is what I want. I want to find people that I am comfortable enough with to do that and not be scared or worried or uncomfortable. I have found a few but they’re all online and quite a drive away. Since I don’t have a driver’s license, that makes things difficult. There’s a cuddle party every now and again in Dallas that I’d love to get to one of these days, and maybe one day it’ll happen.

So happy new year, welcome to 2020, I plan on having a devilishly good time! Please, join Me!